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ToXXiK1
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
696 Posts |
 Posted - 10/21/2010 : 11:47:51
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Anyone have any hockey jokes??
I believe...
Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting for them. God says to the three legends, gentleman before I let you in, you must tell me what you believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you believe?" "I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history" To that god says "take the seat to my left" God then turns to Steve and says, "Steven, in what do you believe?" To which Steve replies "I believe to be the best, you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that god says "take the seat to my Right" God then turns to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you believe?" To which Wayne replies I believe you are sitting in my seat!"
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ToXXiK1
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
696 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2010 : 11:51:44
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Matter of Perspective
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Boston Bruins fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Boston Kills Beloved Family Pet." |
Edited by - ToXXiK1 on 10/21/2010 11:52:09 |
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Gusteroni
Rookie
Canada
225 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2010 : 12:27:50
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Man said to wife: "All right you sexy thing, upstairs now!"
She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard.”
He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now **** off'!"
"When Hell freezes over, I'll play hockey there too." |
Edited by - Gusteroni on 10/21/2010 12:30:17 |
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leafsfan_101
PickupHockey Veteran
Canada
1530 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2010 : 13:03:29
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A woman goes into a tatoo parlor and she is a huge hockey fan. She tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of Wayne Gretzky on her inner thigh.
The guy figures it is a bit weird, but goes ahead and does the work. After about an hour he is finished and passes the woman a mirror. She looks down at the mirror and says with disgust...."That doesn't look a thing like Wayne Gretzky. Do it again on the other side, and this time get it right."
The guy is a little frustrated but gets back to work and does the job again, and in an hour and a half wipes his brow and hands the lady the mirror. "I am sure you will be pleased this time."
The lady looks down at the mirror and says "I can't believe it. What a terrible job. That again looks nothing like the Great One, you're pathetic."
The guy is flabbergasted. He grabs the woman by the arm and drags her out front of the store and stops the first man he sees. He points to the tattoos and says....
"NOW WHO'S THAT???!!!"
The man says..."I don't know who the two wingers are but the centre sure looks like Lanny McDonald." |
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leafsfan_101
PickupHockey Veteran
Canada
1530 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2010 : 13:24:44
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On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sight seeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline in an area where Canadian tourists typically inhabit, when all of a sudden there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was.
Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a
Montreal Canadiens hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point.
Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the
shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and
pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the fans of the Habs and the Leafs, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship could serve as a model on which other countries could follow".
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".
"Well" the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?" |
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leafsfan_101
PickupHockey Veteran
Canada
1530 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2010 : 13:25:59
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Three Leafs fans and three Senators fans were traveling to a hockey game on the train. The three Sens fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Leafs fans buy only a single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks one of the Sens fans. Watch and you'll see," says one of the Leafs fans.
They all board the train. The Sens fans take their respective seats but all three Leafs fans cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Sens fans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game they decide to copy the Leafs fans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Leafs fans don't buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Sens fan.
"Watch and you'll see," replies one of the Leafs fans.
When they board the train the three Sens fans cram into a bathroom and the three Leafs fans cram into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Leafs fans leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Sens fans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!" |
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leafsfan_101
PickupHockey Veteran
Canada
1530 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2010 : 13:32:19
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One evening, after a Montreal Canadiens' practice, Carey Price decides to invite his Habs buddies over to his place for some beer. However, Price still needed time to do his after practice cooldown, so he asked Pierre Gauthier if he could pick up the beer for him. Gauthier obliged.
Gauthier goes to the beer store, picks up a few 24s, sticks them in the backseat of his car, and heads over to Price's place. On the way there, a group of Habs fans in their car spot Gauthier driving with all of the beer in his car. They ask, "Hey, Pierre, what's with all the booze?"
"Oh, this?" he replied, "I picked all this up for Price."
The Habs fans stopped for a second, looked at each other, then nodded their heads and said "Good trade, good trade." |
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Walter.Ego
Top Prospect
14 Posts |
Posted - 10/22/2010 : 00:00:10
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^HAHA!
An american schoolteacher is teaching a lesson, and asks all the students who are Americans to raise their hands. Everyone's hand is raised, except for a little boy in the back. The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, you were born here, surely you are American."
"No," he replies, "Because my parents are both Canadian".
"Well," the teacher continues,"If your parents were bad at hockey, would that mean that you were also bad at hockey?"
"No. If both my parents were bad at hockey, that would make me an American." |
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n/a
deleted
4809 Posts |
Posted - 10/22/2010 : 05:06:21
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Awesome, awesome thread . . . thanks so much for the Friday funnies, guys!
I have to search out some good ones I received in an email some time ago, but keep them coming!
"Take off, eh?" - Bob and Doug |
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ToXXiK1
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
696 Posts |
Posted - 10/22/2010 : 06:00:07
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A True Fan
A young leaf fan scores some tickets off a scalper for a Leafs vs Habs contest at the ACC .... the seat sucks but its all they had. Early in the first he notices an empty seat up in the first few rows.... Halfway through the game, the seat is still vacant, so he wanders down to it..... he asks the man sitting next to the empty seat what the deal is with the empty seat.... the man replies "This seat was for my wife but she died a few days ago...." The man knods in acknowledgment, but before he goes he asks "How come you didnt just give the extra ticket to a friend or family member?" The man replies: "They're all at the funeral" |
Edited by - ToXXiK1 on 10/22/2010 06:00:46 |
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Guest4725
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Posted - 10/22/2010 : 12:24:11
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a hockey joke eh? I got a good one:
The Toronto Maple Leafs. 1967. That is all. |
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Guest5806
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Posted - 10/22/2010 : 13:21:56
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A hockey fan walks into a bar and says " hey did you catch the leafs game last night"
the bartender says"sure, I love playoff hockey" |
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ToXXiK1
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
696 Posts |
Posted - 10/25/2010 : 06:55:23
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Quick Thinking:
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a#@hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No s***??? Who did she play for?"
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Edited by - ToXXiK1 on 10/25/2010 06:56:17 |
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ToXXiK1
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
696 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2010 : 08:07:52
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An Ottawa Senators hockey fan was driving home from work and he passed by a local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.
On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road; on closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. Now the driver hated the Maple Leafs and suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Maple Leafs fan jumped out of the way. The driver of the car heard a bang but he was sure he'd missed him.
The two men proceeded to the church in silence and the Ottawa Senators fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me, can you forgive me father?"
The Priest replied "Of course I can forgive you my son; I got him with the car door." |
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ToXXiK1
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
696 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2010 : 08:11:29
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One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city."
Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Toronto native, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?"
The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the young man jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting:
"The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup |
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Guest4412
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Posted - 10/26/2010 : 23:41:57
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Guy goes to a Toronto bar with his dog to watch the Leafs game. He had discovered that, without training, his dog would do a backflip every time the Maple Leafs scored a goal, so naturally he brought him with him.
Finally in the third period the Leafs score, and sure enough, the dog does a backflip, to everyone's amazement.
"That's awesome!" someone in the bar says. "What does he do if the Leafs win?"
"I don't know," the owner replies, "I've only had him for a month and a half."
(now laugh) |
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Awesome One
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
505 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2010 : 15:12:10
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My signature:
So the guy walks into the bar with a dog and starts to watch the oilers game. They score and the dog does a flip in the air. The bartender says "That was cool, what does he do when they win?" to which the guy replies "I don't know, I've only had him for 15 years." |
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Guest9190
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Posted - 10/27/2010 : 15:57:54
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| A man and his dog walk into a bar. They sit down and watch the leafs game thats on the TV. The leafs score and the dog does a flip. The bartender says " Cool, what does he do when they win" the man says " i don't know i've only had him for 15 years |
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OILINONTARIO
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
816 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2010 : 21:01:52
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A man and his dog are checking out the forums on pickuphockey. Dog says to the man "What the F___! It's the same f____g joke with a different team!" Man says "I'll be damned. A talking dog."
The Oil WILL make the playoffs in 2011. |
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Oilearl
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
268 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2010 : 21:25:20
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A young boy is sitting in the judges chamber after being in an abusive situation at home. The judge says " son I believe you should live with your father as he has the means to support you the best."
The boy replies "I can't live with my Father he beats me?" The judge thinks for a a minute then says "OK then you will live with your Mother!" and the boy exclaims "She beats me too!"
So the Judge says "well then who do you want to live with then?"
The boy thinks for a moment and says " I want to live with the Leafs they don't beat anybody."
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Awesome One
PickupHockey Pro
Canada
505 Posts |
Posted - 10/28/2010 : 14:23:22
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Oops, didn't read that one before I posted mine.
So the guy walks into the bar with a dog and starts to watch the oilers game. They score and the dog does a flip in the air. The bartender says "That was cool, what does he do when they win?" to which the guy replies "I don't know, I've only had him for 15 years." |
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Pasty7
PickupHockey Veteran
Canada
2312 Posts |
Posted - 10/28/2010 : 19:32:41
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quote:
Originally posted by OILINONTARIO
A man and his dog are checking out the forums on pickuphockey. Dog says to the man "What the F___! It's the same f____g joke with a different team!" Man says "I'll be damned. A talking dog."
The Oil WILL make the playoffs in 2011.
hahaha best joke yet!
Pasty |
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Hockey Humour 
